I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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