I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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