got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
