One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
