there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
