He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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