I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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