you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
