If i could tip my vagina, i would.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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