Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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