i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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