And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
