if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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