Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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