just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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