I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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