Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
