My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
