Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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