i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
