My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
