did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize