I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
