Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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