you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
