hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is Oprah even human
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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