just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
