Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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