Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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