He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
