By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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