Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
