Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
