so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
