Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
