At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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