I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
