the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
