Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
