Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
