Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
