Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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