dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
