Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
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