Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
