Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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