the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
