just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
