I cannot find my penis.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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