I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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