Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
