I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
