i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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