I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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