batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
