my phone needs a breathalizer
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
