what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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