I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
