The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
