Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dignity is for republicans.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
