My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
