Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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