Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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