He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just puked most of my soul out..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
