i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
