what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
