my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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